my mnemonic memoir

travelling

2006-08-06T18:23:00.000+08:00

Several years ago, the army sent me to Australia for a military exercise which lasted 3 weeks or so. The most vivid memory of which i retained was of a couple of nights, in an wide open field, where i laid on top of the canvas of my truck, staring up into the Milky Way in the middle of the chilling night. It is more beautiful than the most amazing fireworks i had ever seen, right above you, passing you by, as the earth beneath my back rotates away.

Several weeks ago, i realized what exactly i was staring at. I had not a clue at all, that i was looking back in time.

The sun is a little over eight light-minutes away from us. One light-minutes equals the distant light travel in one minute, which is 18 million kilometers. That makes the ray of sunlight warming our face on a hot summer day 8 minutes old, after travelling 144 million kilometers through the universe, and the Sun is only one of 400 million other stars in our galaxy called the Milky Way.

Right now at this precise moment as i type, or as you read, someone on a distant star somewhere in the Milky Way looking through a powerful telescope pointed at Austraila could be seeing a silly chap in military uniform laying on the canvas top of a truck staring stupidly at something amazing.

And in the same length of time into the future (from that starry starry night when i was in Australia), i could be looking at the Milky Way through a powerful telescope, and find that very someone looking at the me in Australia in that fateful night.

As the only way to look out into space is to look back in time, to travel thousands of years back into the history of space, to the hundred billion galaxies in the universe, millions of light-years away from our Milky Way.

P.S. paragraphs in italics is with reference to the book: Sophie's World

substance over form

2006-08-04T00:32:00.000+08:00

last thursday, while at my deskbound slavery, i received a call from my manager.

Manager : Yap, will you be able to go KL for work on friday? 10am flight.
Which in substance, reads : hey, i called to inform you that you will be flying to KL tomorrow for work!!

TOMORROW!!

Which makes it a Thursday that day, and on thursday, i have to rush to attend class after work which finishes late and by the time i usually reach home, is crashtime! like a drunkard intoxicated with fatigue crashing into bed.

Which also means i have no time to pack my luggage for i had to somehow make myself present at the airport 8.30am the following freakeane morning with my luggage, where i freakeanne lived at the other end of the goddamn island.

Which also means i have to WORK THROUGH THE BEAUTIFUL WEEKEND in which the manager kindly added : have a nice weekend at KL, Yap.
Which in substance, reads : make sure you do what you are suppose to do over the weekend at KL, YAP!!
Which translate into slogging till ONE FUCKING THIRTY AM ON A SATURDAY!

preference parity

2006-07-09T14:02:00.000+08:00

Preference, whether in equivalence or in absence had always been a headsplitting situation for me.

I believe that we cannot live without reason(s), sorta like i cannot make a decision without a reason - or preference. i remembered when buying lunch yesterday, i had a bag of Doritos' Nacho Cheesier in my left hand, and a bag of Doritos Spicier Nacho in my right. After which i stood still there staring down at them for what seems like an eternity of uncertainty. and for a moment, i was totally spaced out, hoping that maybe time would just stop for a bit while i pull myself out of the trance.

i need a distint preference, a solid reason, before i can make a decision to go for the Cheesier or the Spicier. I simply cannot take a random pick.

indecisive. . . ?

continental rationalism

2006-07-04T00:25:00.000+08:00

lately, while at my deskbound slavery, i had sensed once too many that something is not quite right around my torso. i sensed that ~~my pants are shrinking~~ my tummy is expanding.

but recently, Descartes had said to me that our senses cannot be trusted because it is unreliable. i had thus bought a weighing scale last week. Our weight you see, is "human reason" and as such cannot be disputed against.

i was soon to realise the brutal truth, as i stood on the machine, a 10 tonne giant brick smashed right into my head, quantifying the human sense to a sheer 3 kilograms. i am since fully convinced of the truth. my pants had not shrinked. it is i who had placed 3 kg of stuff beneath my skin.

i am now addicted to the digital machine at the corner of my den.

agnostic

2006-07-03T00:45:00.000+08:00

after being through with about three fifth of Sophie's World, i came accross a term somewhere, i can describe myself. Agnostic.

a really interesting book, especially for someone who had always had an interest in the subject therein but too lazy to research on it. so captivating it is that The Half Blood Prince which i had bought at Borders for $9.95 is starting to collect dust.

so absorbing that at times i get drawn into it, to the extent, i have to tell myself that im just reading a fictional novel. it's quite a bizarre feeling though, to get from a book, a feeling that i cannot describe.

2006-06-22T01:44:00.000+08:00

big bang

2006-06-19T01:26:00.000+08:00

Nebula NGC 604, 2.7 million light years away. 1,500 light years accross. At the heart of it, new stars were being born. image from wikipedia, from nasa.

anamnesis

2006-06-11T20:48:00.000+08:00

Memory is an incomprehensible thing. Sometimes, i feel like i do not want to forget anything, because everytime i forget something, it will almost seems like it had never occured. All my pass, once i forget them, their existence disappear, literally. It's happening slowly, slow but steady, and there's nothing much i can do about it. Every word, and alphabet here is created and recognized by our memory. If no one continue to affirm, remember and recognise them, they too will cease to exist. Therefore, you can almost say everything must exist for a purpose. Even though i do not know what my real purpose is, i continue searching, fulfiling as many other purposes as possible, otherwise, with the passing of each moment in time, this very moment will become mere memory in the next, too frail, and probably cease to be real.

Real Mayer

2006-06-06T00:29:00.001+08:00

[click to enlarge]

distance

2006-05-24T23:31:00.000+08:00

sometimes,
being further brings you closer,

because being further gives you the need to feel one closer,
because the need to feel one closer bridges the gap between communication further,
because physical distant is no longer a limitation to communication,

because physically further, spiritually closer.

oneweek

2006-05-21T16:13:00.000+08:00

if i sent her a text after she had off her phone before she board the plane, would she be able to receive and read the message after she had landed and on her phone?

~~~

the departure time is 1540,

at 1310, she called me sounding nervous :" yap yap, you have comfort cab number?? i forgot to call cab!!"

at 1540, i sms-ed her feeling poignant :" missing you already"

~~~

finger crossed

think think!!

2006-05-14T22:12:00.000+08:00

last night i went to the nearby Mobil petrol station to get myself a little reward, for amazingly, passing my Individual Physical Proficiency Test in the morning, thus receiving a hundred bucks courtesy of the SAF.

i grabbed myself a tub of Hagen Daz - Rum & Rasin, a pack of cracker and went to the counter, placing them on the counter.

"You wanna buy cake? ", said the cashier, pointing at a box of Polar swiss roll by the side.

"Don't want", i said tersely with a mild smile.

the cashier responded: "Buy la, buy for your mother!!"

"don't want, i bought ice-cream for my mum already", i lied. blatantly.

"cannot!! must buy, so late already, don't let your mum eat that la. don't buy i don't sell you your cracker!!!" the cashier quipped, as she tagged the crackers to her fellow cashier.

"fine, i'll just take the ice-cream ~~for my mum~~" , i rebut.

"aiyah . .. give you back la"

"oh, thank you hor", i said, smiling, exchanging byebyes, as i bag my treats, heading home, thinking .. . "oh crap, i still can't decide what to get/do for my mum!!!"

probably temporarily

2006-05-01T20:52:00.000+08:00

as we sat opposite one another on the cushioned floor,
with a book about sharks between us on a cushioned sofa,

as she leaned into the sofa reading page 42 rightside up,
i leaned in reading page 43 upside down,

cover to cover.

~~~

i could almost smell her again,
as i read alone today,

am i not alone?

blind

2006-04-28T23:57:00.000+08:00

sometimes you have to take a pause and re-look at things to see them more clearly.

it's so ironic, that each time a negative experience hits you, it leaves behind bruises that hurts so badly, it requires so so much more positivities to ~~heal~~ alleviate.

so much so, if you are too caught up with the pain, it might not even heal, leaving behind a scar.

it is a shame, that we tends to percieve and retain bad things so much more readily than good ones, and more often than not, missing out on them altogether.

dinner with J today gives me much fresh perspectives, and made me realised, or should i say, recollect, what i didn't know i had, what i didn't understand, what is bothering me of late.

i guess it paid off equally well for her as well, as she release upon me, the one hell of a issue possibly haunting and hijacking her guilt for only she knows how long.

Sometime we just had to tell someone, don't we.

2am

2006-04-19T02:15:00.000+08:00

the one question that drive you up the wall and then burn your soul is:
what am i to you ?

one irony that can happen is when the messages you are waiting for so badly the entire day came when your cellfuckingphone went out of battery without any warning whatsoever and somehow manage to sink your day into a new low at 2am and you are completely helpless and upset about it.

what am i to you?

lunch company intruder

2006-04-16T00:16:00.000+08:00

It rained again, drizzling. we swapped security pass holder, finished lunch and i decided to check out the library upstairs already, as foolishly planned the day before, only to realise when we reached the entrance, that library closes on public holiday.

~~~

So i foolishly decided to adjorn back to office, the one i don't work at anymore. Foolish because the drizzle had then developed to a reasonable splatter. Going back to the office i don't work at anymore because she still does, and on Good Friday, alone, in an empty office. I drew my umbrella.

~~~

As i hold the umbrella in one hand not knowing what to do with the other, at the same time trying to make out the best route of advance under the weight of the rain while constantly deciding to shelter her more from the rain, whom i clumbsily bumped into, and apologize and then bumped into again, and then apologized again, and again, and again. Fortunately, i did not stepped onto her and made her fall prostrate in the rain. We came to a sheltered void deck.

~~

As we reachd the other end of the void deck, the splatter had grown to a downpour. But that's not the better of my concern, as we sat talking in close proximity on a bench with a fat lethargic cat nearby gazing at us nonchalantly along the sound of raindrops. The office is round the corner, and im gonna soon attempt to sneak pass it's security guard with an security pass holder bearing the company logo, but containing a pseudo pass.

~~~

Seeing as how disastrous things had gone up to this point of time, how worse it could get, how i hope this moment would last longer, i had the security pass held in my hand.

i open my fridge,

2006-04-09T23:05:00.000+08:00

the two pack of Macdonald's fries which we did not eat because the two Extra Value Meal that we ordered on friday comes with two rice beef crap burger which we did not eat as well was still in the fridge because i told her i wonder how fried -> refrigerated -> microwaved fries would taste like.

***

i did not enjoy watching Ice Age 2 in a cinema filled with irritating noisy little kids but i enjoyed watching it in a cinema filled with irritating noisy little kids with 2 packs of fries in my bag.

***

i was lucky that after iceage2 ended, it rained, and inside the same bag where 2 packs of fries sit, there isn't an umbrella, but inside the bag where 2 rice beef crap burgers, there is.

***

i weren't lucky that the rain wasn't big enough, the road wasn't long enough, and we weren't close enough.

thank you ah

2006-03-26T22:57:00.000+08:00

i can understand how some people can be very curt in texting sms-es. but after you sent someone a sms wishing her goodnight, and wishing she had an enjoyable time after a date, which you think is great, and the reply you get is "Thank u ah. Good nite ! Time to sleep :) ", i can't help but to think, what does that means? i feel inadequacy. i think i expect something more. i don't want a "Thank you ah". Im not doing you a favour, i just dated you. i need more. . . hope it's just me.

parting. . .

2006-02-23T01:21:00.000+08:00

Hey,

although i'm not accross the office anymore,
not able to visit you in the morning with cheques in my hands anymore,
not able to wait for 5.30 to board the company bus with you anymore and say goodbye at Yishun MRT control station, but....

i will miss those times,
and you.

yap

recognizing

2006-02-01T23:25:00.000+08:00

earlier this week, i sent an electronic birthday card to a friend. i wrote:

dude,

Happy Birthday.
things will work out if we fight for it.
wishing you better times and happiness ahead.

YaP

these simple words could be trite & clichéd, or, sincere & meaningful.
On retrospect, it seems they were meant for myself as well. more often than not, this is the case when we tell someone something based on our own experiences. Most human beings however, are cursed with the uncanny ability to live in denial, disregard and selective recognitions. how nice of this world that we are living in.

CNY2006

2006-01-30T22:18:00.000+08:00

It's the Chinese New Year, i should be happy, or at the very least, at ease. Afterall, it's 4 days without having to go to work. Or maybe that's the reason why? For the past days, im like on a constant look out for outlet to vent agnst. The weather seems sweltering hot, the internet browser seems reprehensibly slow, i'm being a fucking cynic and everyone else seems like either a jerk or a bitch to me while im being the biggest jerk of all. everything seems wretched.

I think i might need Prozac.

float

2006-01-22T10:43:00.000+08:00

human nature rule us out from being alone.

the heart could be wrenching and sinking into darkness the whole night, but with a person to talk to, even though if it's just a friend, a plain platonic friendship, who is there to took you right into the middle of the night with words and laughters, when you can return home and crash in, at least your head will be above water.

even though it's temporarily, even though it's mere physical companionship, i still need to rely on it. maybe until the companionship for the soul comes along which will took a place inside and let it not be sinking. maybe?

tacit transparency

2006-01-10T02:36:00.000+08:00

in the friendship context, transparency is sincerity.
and it's the most important aspect in such a connection.

because no matter how long a connection could be existing, without transparency, it means nothing. without transparency, it is never really established.

i had connections that had lasted for more than 10 years, but means pretty much nothing. cruel reality i have to accept. i had connection that lasted for merely 3 years, but means much more.

i had a unique connection, a unique friend. unique in such a way, she is smart and clever, but more often than not, not rational. she is not a good listener, but she draws listeners, because of her tacit transparency. she may not be a good communicater, and thus i may not be able to correspond all the time, but i will be able to be there, for as much as i could. Because her sincerity has transparency. Because this connection is felt, and that's what we do for a connected, felt friend - friends in many, many years to come.

life randomness

2005-12-06T22:30:00.000+08:00

what if nothing's working out because im not good enough?
what if what i thought i wanted all along, is not?
what if everthing that i believed in is leading me nowhere?
what if everything that i've done is but a waste of time?
what if there's no answer, because nobody knows what's going to happen tomorrow?
what if tomorrow, i wake up a millionaire?
what does that make of me?

happy?

. . .

2005-12-02T23:11:00.000+08:00

i suddenly felt confused . . . and what's worse, i think im confused over what im confused about . . .

need.to.sort.things.out. .

beliefs

2005-10-29T21:22:00.000+08:00

In about a week time, i will be moving on to a new work place. A new working environment.

At my current workplace, i picked up a lot. Not so much of the technical aspect, but more importantly, i suppose, of how at work place, we wanna hold ourselves. How and to what degree we want ourselves to be heard and seen.

Thought i learned a lot, i had only changed and improved so little over the past 3 months or so. With the closing of this chapter, where my progress is perhaps hindered by my initial influence on the circumstances thus far, i wonder whether i can make a leap onto the next.

In fact, i wonder whether i can close this book altogether, and start another one, giving it a fresh start.

Knowing how we want to behave and be seen, can we make a leap of faith, a trip, to a revamped personality from a change of environment? Can it happen just with a flick of a switch? Maybe we can, if we have enough belief.

After all, what it takes is confidence, and confidence comes from beliefs, and beliefs is but what we say to ourselves.

smooth

2005-10-18T22:52:00.000+08:00

if my interviewer today had liked me as much as i liked her, or even at a fraction, there will be no doubt that i will get hired. the funny thing is, it only struck me hours after the interview that i've been conversing with such a beautiful lady, and her allure came crashing upon me in waves thereafter.

i had forgotten her name, perhaps because it's of such trifle when you cannot forget her smile.

the lingering fear

2005-10-11T22:45:00.000+08:00

This morning, as every other morning, i woke up and was getting ready for work. I was in the store room getting changed, when i caught sight of my mum's new handbag, the one she showed me the previous day while i was watching CSI on my computer.

She came to me asking if it's nice. I gave a cursory glance and said yes, then pivot my eyes back to the monintor.

My mum, being supremely thrifty, seldom spend on non neccessities. But she, just like any other ladies, adore beautiful things. handbags, shoes, clothings etc. She therefore is willing to part with her cash only when she found something really beautiful and ~~cheap~~ ~~very cheap~~ extreeemely cheap. Thus, there is not too many opportunities really for her to come to me seeking accordant appreciations. And there's no doubt she's always utterly satisfied and happy whenever she does. Though, my respond is but lukewarm.

Perhaps my guilt is silently screaming out to me, for this morning when i saw the handbag, i felt a pang in my chest, coming from absolutely nowhere.

Usually, when im getting dressed for work in the morning, im almost sleepwalking, my head is blank. It do not communicate. This morning neither. But my heart did.

It spoke to my empty head triggered by the sight of the handbag. It asked him : "how long more will such thing as a handbag make your mother happy? "

I stood there dazed.

How many more handbags will she fancy and buy? Can you count them with your both hands?

I think i feel when someone hits a certain threshold of their life, physical beauty does not matter anymore, it means nothing. I do realise my mum's progression towards that threshold is scaring the shit out of me.

It's still lingering inside me, and there's something i had to do about it.

what long lunch gives

2005-10-09T23:21:00.000+08:00

i've come to enjoy one particular hedonistic pleasures of late.

it all started one day last week, during lunch break. As the bosses are out of town, we lunchers decided to give ourselves a "little" lunch OT. We end up in one of the chain of outlets called SaSa, where they carry more brands of womens product than an average guy can fathom. And this guy is also completely lost in it.

I was out of place. As the women jabbers away to no end with the promoter about some facial-mosturizer-mask-costly-cream-expensive-SKII-Estee-Lauder and what not, i ventured to one particular shelf, the one and only carrying some men's product. One. that's the ratio, which says and my guess, i can spend approximately 30times more time at it as compare to the women respectively

I picked up the Gatsby pamphlet and began reading. Then it dawn on me, SHAVING FOAM ACTUALLY DOES SOMETHING!! And all along, i, a man, thought that it's another useless frills of the human world. BUT NO, it not only banishes the irritaing itch and sting after shaving, it also gives a cool refreshing sensation, and even gives you a cleaner smoother shave!! It mosturizes and even rinses off easily! Holy Shit, how can a guy after knowing these, don't get their hands on one of those. The Gatsby Shaving Series has one that suit every men's needs!!!

Thus, from then on, i had been looking forward to the time of the day where i get to shave. It really delivers. I was even hoping them hairs on my chin could poke out faster and denser. Even today, after my body's way of telling me " hey punk, you had enough Doritos, Lays, Ruffles, Calbee, Double Decker for the week" by giving me a stinging sorethroat, splitting headache and limp limbs, i still spent the extra minutes exercising it's use!! I might be checking out the cologne next.

indignation extended

2005-09-25T00:33:00.000+08:00

Sametime is an in-house communication programme we use at work, the equivalent of msn messenger i use off work. With that, i ping my neighbour to tell her to turn her music louder, i ping my colleague one storey below me for quick answers and solutions, i ping the HR personnel whom i have no idea whosoever she is to enquire, i ping the network administrator in the main office on another part of the island, i ping big shots on another part of planet earth, i might even be able to ping the CEO, and then i ping my neighbour for the purpose of gossip.

during an earlier day of the week ending, my boss came over to my desk to brief me on some work, and while we're at it, a colleague ST me. .i.e. ping me on Sametime. The blinking tab on the taskbar got my boss's attention as i noticed her eyes glance at it. she utter: " Hey, you've got a message from Jael, she ping you for what" Her fingers, wrist, arm, then react accordingly to her misguided brain signal and FRIGGING CLICKED ON IT. "Oh. . " she uttered again. "WOW, WHAT WAS THAT!!", i wanted to utter, but i just roll my eyes wide instead.

a fleeting moment of silence was observed the very instant, that, i was a lil' stumped. im pretty sure the wrongdoer received at least a little pang of guilt following that, and excused herself shortly.

I then immediately St my neighbour for the said purpose of gossiping, about what just happened. We were indignant. Resentment was unreserved from more than one party.
that to me, is downright prying into other's privacy.

Well, that's my ex-boss now, for im being handed over to yet another boss yesterday in the same department - Finance, as well as the department-of-THE-UNPOPULAR.

the principle of probability are SERIOUSLY awfully not happening here.

i.want.out

2005-09-19T01:16:00.000+08:00

i had enough, i hate it. mediocrity. fuck.

redundant randomness

2005-09-04T00:26:00.000+08:00

i said something spontaneous and clever just now, i think :

A : so fast, one more week i'm going back to school study already.

Me: well, say fast not fast. i guess it's just that time flies extremely fast, especially when you kind of lost touch of it.

~~~

last night at Wala, reason #138 why Ray is the coolest existing tamil speaking man, is that he did a Jap number(First Love by Utada Hikaru) for encore. I mean, where on earth can you find an handsome indian singing a Jap song with this magnitude of charm?

~~~

L pissed right beside Ray at the same precise moment in time. THEY PISSED, SIDE BY SIDE.

~~~

The stunning gorgeous at Davis is called Janet, so i overheard today. She is as beautiful as before, about4 years back when i last saw her. that's when i brought my guitar for fixing up, and i still remember her telling me that it's magic, when i asked how she fixed up my neck. guitar neck. What could she had gone through all these years? gotten married?? no, it's none of my business.

~~~

SNAP.OUT.OF.IT

2005-08-11T01:47:00.000+08:00

the simplest and most inconsequential things in life are often the most beautiful ones.

you might be the foolish one, the only one, but sometimes, you just wanna be a fool, at least for a while, and a while, and another while another time later.

what is more foolish is when you're not even sure why it it so - beautiful. but maybe i do, maybe i'm not that confused really, rather, just in denial. i think i really am. but i don't wanna be.

snap.out.of.it

2005-08-08T00:03:00.000+08:00

2nd sunday since i started working, the crappy feeling of returning to work the next day wasn't as bad.

caught The Wedding Crasher earlier today, and incidentally, MS was in the same theatre. In the movie, John Beckwith(Owen Wilson) told Claire Cleary(Rachel McAdams) that she cannot marry a guy, because he had fallen for her. Does this only happens in movies: takes a phenomenal amount of confident to utter these words, yes? anyway, the movie was so funny, i guffawed so hard i felt my diaphragm constricted as i curled up in fits of laughters.

and then i met up with Q at Bugis for dinner and some catching up. Dawg, YOU RULE!!! sorry i might seems a lil' downcast, i think the averagely-less-than-five-hours-daily-sleep for the pass 2 weeks had taken it's toll on me and im like, fever now.

popped 2 panadol, concussing . . . .

feeling lost on my way home. again. . .

dunno

2005-08-01T18:31:00.000+08:00

I need some getting use to, in alleviating the monday blues. Sunday night is equally shitty. and when you're feeling crappy, you start thinking crap - people.

Is it normal? for you to start missing people. it's like when you're blue, you need comfort, you need people and you started missing them. you recall what someone had done with you, for you, how you will alway remember them, and how you really treasure what you had there, that you really don't want it to go away. Im confused.

I don't know myself, i really don't.

I don't know what im capable of, aptly portrayed by the movie i caught last week, titled Crash. The tagline is something like this: "you were out there, you think you know yourself ? YOU HAVE NO IDEA!" It perfectly describes what im going through now; it's like you can't tell, until it really happens to you.

I'm clueless about myself, in both the aspect of work, and the former.

im.remembering.names

2005-07-28T01:03:00.000+08:00

On my 3rd day of work, early in the morning, when not even all the staffs had arrived, the departments had a FIRE DRILL - which rarely happens really. am i lucky or what?

In the evening, my department had it's quarterly dinner at Merchant Cafe, Clark Quay, which is also to celebrate the departing and incoming of our Financial Management Programme(FMP) trainee.

This new FMP is from Indonesia, and i could guess it even before she told me that because of her accent. Indonesian chinese had a distinctive accent, and i can recognise them because of my school mates back in school.

During the dinner, seated beside me is the Financial Planning & Analyst (FP&A) Manager. she's from malaysia. Two to my left, sat an finance execute from China. She like, yabbers . . a lot.

On the table next to us, we had our Department Financial Manager. his name is Peter Buttler, and he's from Australia. Our overall GM, whose also incharge of the whole S.E.A operation is not present though. he's called Kyu Something Something, and he's Korean.

Earlier, when we're walking back from lunch, i was chatting along the way with a lady, which i found out, was from Hong kong through our conversation. i also found out much later, that she's our Financial Control Manager, and she's not too popular around the clique. politics surfacing.

Tomorrow, i will probably need the IT people to get my System and Email access up and running(temp staff also gets an account.) And i'm reasonably anticipating an technician from India to come.

Guess organisations are not labelled "multi national" for nothing.

On a last note, im really remembering names. and i realised that when you arrived at a new working place, the initial introduction routine they like to give you, it's really for everyone else but you. because at the end of it, you really can't remember a name correctly, but they all remember yours. almost.

i.forget.names

2005-07-26T20:39:00.000+08:00

on my 2nd day of work,

it rained, my supervisor went on MC (the only one to give me work to do). i nearly fell asleep before lunch, i nearerly fell asleep after lunch, and since my supervisor (the only one whom i really got to communicate with till now) wasn't around, since i don't feel comfortable enough to ask to tag along the few acquaintance i've made, and no one invited me to join them,

i lunched alone today.

it's however, relieving that people aren't stingy with smiles around the office, and on my way home, someone offered me to join them for lunch in future.

working people are very concern with lunch.

spicy mee goreng

2005-07-24T04:28:00.000+08:00

earlier on my way home, i felt a slight sensation, something brewing in my stomach. i guess it's caused by the uncertainties of my first day of work, which is the day after tomorrow.

and just last night, during supper with S and Y, i couldn't forget S said something like "can i go back to school? i don't wanna work." That's like only AFTER ONE MONTH OF TEMP WORK,and BEFORE I EVEN STARTED WORKING. encouraging, ain't it?

after supper, we proceed to Mustafa. It's my FIRST time there. The thing about Mustafa is that at 2-freaking-am, you see people groceries shopping, you see people buying and browsing clothings, you also see people shopping for just about every other things you could find in the middle of a hugh shopping mall, in the MIDDLE of the DAY.
I said in the middle of the day because with so many varieties of everything on the shelves, especially snacks, it keeps your mind sharp & alert, eyes wide & busy, scanning throught rows and rows of goodies - YOU DON"T FEEL TIRED REALLY, and you COULDN'T resist a packet of chips, and a couple bars of chocolate. you WILL also forget it's 2-freaking-am outside the 3 storey store.

well, maybe i could rent some dvds tomorrow - my last day of relaxation, and pig out on the chips and chocolate with a couple of buddies. might be a nice and relaxing way to spend the day.

missing earing

2005-07-22T01:39:00.000+08:00

the frivolous things im gonna said is, i can't decide who is hotter. Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johansoon. In The Island, the latter had sex with Ewan McGregor, and prior to that, both of them do not have the faintest idea what copulation is about, because from where they came from, proximity is kept in stringent check. And while they're at it, smooching and all, Ewan uttered : "why haven't we tried this before"? Now, is this really possible?? the human instinct is really that great? i mean, the dogs do not engage in foreplay, no ?

on a more serious note, i had gotten a temp job as Accounts Assistant at GE Plastic. After which i met up with S, and she seems dispirited and unhappy. I had almost never seen her like that before. I felt very sorry for her, i wanna help, drives away the downcast feeling, but i'm only getting into the same shit - work.

It couldn't be all that bad. can it? else what could it be?

pulp

2005-07-17T06:04:00.000+08:00

holy shit, i haven't been writing for so long.

anyhow,
today, i did something for the first time.i performed with the SIM guitar club at B.U.G.I.S J.U.N.C.T.I.O.N!! it's like my first public performance, NO SHIT! althought my part is not the main thing, but it's my FIRST PUBLIC PERFORMANCE nontheless!

and i caught Sin City just now, because of Jessica Alba, because of Fantastic Four, because of Jessica Alba, because she look damn damn hot. In short, because of Jessica Alba. she is not just hot, but hot, hot !! a pretty compliment to a nice show - trashy, pulpy, but a nice piece of work, a first(at least for me) where the directors(Frank Miller, Robert Rodriquez) used colours - mainly black, white, red, to create and achieve the desired moods, even to the extend, makes grossness comical. comical as in funny(kind of) as well as comic-like; the kind of movie where into the first 30mins, a couple of people walked out, but the first scence of the movie already had me deeply enthralled. it's simply so beautiful, i might watch it again just for the first scence, and maybe, Miss Alba.

On a side note, i saw a girl earlier today - EARLY AFTERNOON, and ALREADY MIDWAY through, and vision afixed onto Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince. But ain't today only the launch date???

Must.get.my.hand.on.that.book!!

random memoir

2005-07-07T11:26:00.000+08:00

Holy COW! i caught a great Jap movie at Cineleisure last night. It's so cool it makes what seems impossible possible. It's cool - unlike one of those thousands of conventional Hollywood flick. This one's rather slow moving but gets your butt glued to your seats nevertheless, right till the end.

And then i bought 2 cds. WOW.

and during the chalet last week, i laughed so hard my jaw muscle feels like my right arm after 3 solid hours of tennis. even my eyes got wet. But chalet as it is at this point of our life, will not have a decent turnout. people are getting married.

and i still can't find a job. brrrr .. .

work

2005-06-30T14:43:00.000+08:00

i've finally gotten a Flickr account, and it really made photo posting a breeze. here's one of my favourite photo from my Vietnam trip:

*****

while friends had found jobs, i haven't even gone for a single interview, and very soon i will have no means of financing my current spending. over the past weeks, i spent a lot. i went Wala, i caught 2 movies a day, and then i caught more movies, i eat out, i drink out, im expected at Wala tomorrow again, chalet at weekend, althought i must say i did enjoy the time out, i plummet right down the happiness scale when i get back to reality. then i escape reality by entering cyberspace via some online game that my brother is hooked onto, and soaked myself up on stupidity, which of course only make the entire matter worse. gotta trip out of these.

random rantings

2005-06-23T00:14:00.000+08:00

i was on my friend's car on the way home after supper the other night, where they always tune in to this chinese radio station call Yes 93.3 and if you think that isn't a dumb enough name, i heard the listener dedicate a song to zhou jie lun and the rest of the cast of the InitialD movie.

i made a rhetorical exclaimer that i haven't heard wrongly that the listener had indeed dedicated the song to some celerities, and my friend gave me a what-is-wong-with-that-look and said that they always do, so it's ok.

at this, i couldn't help but said oh my gawd im glad that i don't listen to this dumb shit, otherwise i would've gotten dumber by the days, but my friend just reiterate that it's common and gave me a there's-nothing-wrong-with-that blank look. i think perhaps what is wrong is that you shouldn't be still listening to this crap. there's more radio station out there that ain't dumb.

sometimes i think im drifting futher apart from these friends of mine of numerous years.

and couple of days back, my dad brought home tonnes of durians and everytime he does that, we have to shove loads of them down our throat. my mum's in it as well, they said it's free cuz they had picked them from the Bukit Timah Nature Reserve. But duh, who really dig durian to that extent, i have no freaking idea what is so great about durians and why the heck dadss like so much about eating durians. There are just ok. so so. why the heck do we have to gorge so much of it until we're dead sick of it during the season where dadsss are always so inclined to get those thorns back every week without fail. even though we make it obvious that we're sick of it.

and i've been sleeping too much these couple of days, especially after reading Arthur Golden deep into the nights thus waking up way too late in the morning. but this book is the most adhesive one i'd laid skin on. Sayuri-san is so mesmerizing.

patriotism?

2005-06-17T02:43:00.000+08:00

Being shamelessly unemployed, and thinking that it's going to cost me $7, i went to the mall to catch Batman Begins yesterday. It was tuesday, movie tickets aren't supposed to be that grossly overpriced. like $9.50.

I was however, sadly mistaken. Just because it's a new movie(preview), it cost another extra dollar - $8. I was not pleased at all to realise it a lil too late, but i was already there and the tickets were already bought. arrgh .. Why don't they give us a break?? NO NEVER!! These blood sucking corporates seize every opportunity to part every single dollar and cent possible from our pocket. GAWDAMMIT!!!!

Couple of days back, i went accross the causeway, to City Square to watch movies. It cost me only 6Rm per show. SIX RINGGIT!! that's more than THREE FREAKING TIMES CHEAPER than it cost on this side of the shore. And guess what!? i've got complimentary toothpaste for those movie tickets. Yes, toothpaste, Darlie!! weird gifts, but it totally beats paying 3times more for nothing.

For even more good deals, the shops there sell awesome dvds. PIRATED DVD, and it's way cheaper than movies tickets here as well. 8Rm a piece, and what's more, they have already on dvd, titles that are screening here at that very instant!! Buy above 20 pieces and they will deliver it to your doorstep. How cool is that!

I did not bought any though, because i splurged too much on food. I was however, seriously contemplating getting the entire collection of Sex And The City. might be back.

vietglish

2005-06-15T00:21:00.000+08:00

During my trip in Vietnam, i realised that the country used to be under the rule of the french colony, before the US's futile attempt to invade them. Thus most of the elderlies speaks a certain amount of french.

The current generation, however, are more pro English. Because it's a more lucrative language to pick up, and it's particularly more prevalent in places where transactions take place, often with tourist. Though they are seldom, or i should say never, practiced properly or in it's entirety.

For example, the tour guide usually speaks the language sparingly, and you will need some degree of patience and concentration communicating with them. One tour agency which i engaged for a day trip are strategic enough to send me an interesting and rather amusing follow up email. I cut and paste:

Dear XXX,

My name is Giang. I'm on your online listen to you. If you have any comment or request about tour. Please, don't hesitate speak with me.

On behalf of ODC Travel I want to say: Thank you very much for your interest in ODC travel. I really appreciate your joining our trip Halong Bay and I hope you enjoyed it and give us opportunities to serve you again and again.

ODC travel has constantly been updating and diversifying our tourism products, figure the flexible price with hope of satisfying a numerous of tourists and we know all that could not be successful without you.

Thank you again for your good faith and your valuable comment which will help us improve the quality of services - serving customers better day by day.

Most sincerely
Ta Chinh Giang

PS: If you (or your friend) want to travel to Vietnam (again). Don't hesitate ask me for more information. I will be happy speak with you

transition

2005-06-14T01:34:00.000+08:00

it has been 4 days since i returned from my Vietnam backpacking trip.

i haven't written since then because i had somehow given myself like 4 times the things to do when im mugging up for exams, but i haven't really been doing them. this suck.

but i have decided to blog tonight because i really like reading and writing. i had to get my priority right - after sending my resume, i write, then i engage in other chores. chores so many that i do not even want to start at it.

this prioritizing, transition from a full time student to a full time working adult, i suppose, will be an abrupt process, once i step on it, because in today's environment, we have to adapt fast, or be phased out.

this is very much apparent, throughout Vietnam, where i travel up north by bus, train and plane.

abrupt transition,

where when i alight from Hanoi's Noi Bai International airport, within the air-conditioned terminal, marbled floor, escalators and polite counter staffs,

transiting abruptly via the highway upon taking an exit into the bustling city centre,

you see dirty streets littered with rubbish of all sorts, broken roads, shabby shop houses, scruffily clad local touters, soliciting drugs, hedonistic pleasures or grossly overpriced rides between destinations.

where when i dine in a fine, elegant, classy restaurant serving splendid french crusine, i look down and over onto the other side of the road, to rustic, dilapidated, ashen shop houses and roadside stalls alongside the drains, where i would tuck-in to a bowl of pho bo(beef noodle) on sloppy plastic tables and chairs at a REALLY small fraction of the price.

where inside the shop house that resembles more of a kampong house, you have expats checking emails over highspeed adsl internet connection, and local kids yawping at one another over their online games, clicking away frantically on the sticky mouse.

where the same kid will eventually become the cunning and hypocritical city dwellers plotting and scheming to acquire every single dollar out of your(tourists') pocket, while the villagers or local friends remain sincere and gracious to you, because they are not in this tourist business, this abrupt economic transition.

im loving travelling more and more.

leaving

2005-06-03T03:10:00.000+08:00

flying off to Vietnam tomorrow morning, with my big big backpack.

let's hope i don't come back with a limb or two missing,
or bringing back the bird flu,
or the malaria for that matter.

weird that im still not feeling excited, at all.
makes me wonder if my head is functioning as it should.

am very tired now.
be back in a week.

focus

2005-06-02T02:00:00.000+08:00

not good.

i really really seriously definitely absolutely gotta do something about myself procrastinating, my laziness, lack of focus, and utterly feeble resolve.

not only did i always leave my exams preparation to the last minute, thus passing with mediocre grades, i now even leave my holiday trip preparations, plannings and itinerary fine tuning right till the very last minute!! need to kick this crap habit.

one and a half days more to departure.
there is still enough time to make things right and proper. i suppose.

and after this trip, all the more i can't bum around, not getting things done proper, because im gonna step into the jungle, to hunt(for a job), to survive and hopefully make lives better for the folks and all. gawd im sounding like a dork.

focus,
one step at a time.
next step, ENJOY THE QUALITY TIME!!!

liberty

2005-05-29T11:39:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i saw my picture on a blog, my friend's blog.
it's kind of ironic that i can only see my photos on blog that's not mine.

i saw it after Hm did a mass email to notify friends of her Url.
she notified quite a number of people from the recipients' addresses i saw in the email.

the question is, what is her blog going to be about, now that her real life peers will be dropping in regularly. for the record, i've already subscribed to her feeds.

i've been asked a couple of times : Yap, you blog?
my answer is usually a downright lie : nar . . i just read them.

i don't usually lie, because i don't feel comfortable about lying at all. i can't help but to think that your lie will get back to you sooner or later, in an adverse manner. which i know in most cases is not likely, but i just can't help it. and i don't know whether that's a good thing or bad. im a damn prude.

but i had to tell that lie, almost as many times as i'm asked that question. i had to, it's for the liberty of this blog im keeping.

i guess it boils down to what your blog is going to be about. for mine, it's another big fat ironic pity that the people i see regularly had to be the ones being kept out.

at least for now, that's the way it is.

inadequate

2005-05-28T01:50:00.000+08:00

how come like that.

exam is over, im supposed to be carefree and happy, but im not. what's this, a bad omen? merely sleeping more than what's neccessary gives me the guilt of wasting time, like some kind of post exams syndrome.

the 500+ closing to 600 unread posts accumulated in my news aggregator seems like an impossible task, plus the stack of unread newspaper piling up that my mum will drop on me and break my back if i don't at least browse throught them, and i thought im done reading stuffs.

Exams . .. . . sure is shitty.

and now that i need to read up as well, the Footprint travel guide for my forthcoming trip which i don't really have much luxury of time to, notwithstanding that i'm still feeling weary like i haven't really recover from the mental torment and fatigue from pass days of intense crammings, the late nights that inflict this coarse-grained throat on me, the fatigue and muscle strain in my arms from this afternoon tennis session under the sun, the freaking sun, probabaly the cause of my slight headache now. TIRED. not feeling good.

don't feel relaxed.

don't feel carefree.

don't feel happy.

don't feel accomplished.

don't feel satisfied.

don't feel like i've done enough. no, not good enough.

need something more.

hope tomorrow will be better after a good night sleep.

S He

2005-05-23T16:44:00.000+08:00

she told me he tends to hang up the phone on her, and that hurts her lots.
she told me he is the only one who does that, and that hurts her lots and lots.

she told me he smokes nowadays.
she said she had told him she does't like it, like hanging up on her, but he insist on both.

she is a nice girl.
he is not a very nice guy, but he's my friend for years.

what to do?

Financial Reporting paper's on tomorrow . . . im mugging up the wall . . . cannot finish . .

what to do?

comfort

2005-05-21T08:38:00.000+08:00

had a really shitty night last night
because of the really crappy audit paper i had during the day,

where is the comfort?

moments ago,
with a heavy chest, i woke up.

it's gonna be a long hard day ahead staring at notes.

while still lying in bed, empty headed, gazing at the pillow,
it just came to me:

where is she that i can roll over to,
hold her hand, feel her smooth skin,
to cuddle close,
or to whisper into.

where?

where is she that i can send a sms to,
to tell her that i just woke up,
it's gonna be a tiring day,
but im already missing you.

where?

musical baton

2005-05-21T00:19:00.000+08:00

Total volume of music files on my computer:
15.6 GB, 3521 files

The last CD I bought was:
the pretenders - greatest hits

Song playing right now:
love in a trashcan - the raveonettes

Five songs I listen to a lot (never get tired of these):
stay(i miss you) - lisa loeb & nine stories
brass in pocket(i'm special) - the pretenders
ironic - alanis morissette
with or without you - U2
zhi you - li xin jie

YaP is clueless who in blogosphere to pass this musical baton from LMD to.

random reminiscence 1

2005-05-19T01:04:00.000+08:00

it was in the library, many many months ago, and like today, i was sitting beside Ms, studying.

she place an eraser on the table im at.

i turned and gave her a quizzical look.

"buy for you one", she said. " i see the one you're using so old and small, very hard to use"

at that moment, i didn't know what to say, i guess it's was so much of a pleasant surprise for me that i do not know how to react, but to utter a mere thank you.

a piece of eraser that doesn't cost much, but means so much.

regretfully, due to my grave carelessness, i lost it a couple of months back. but in this abysmal memory of mine, i will not lose it.

these little extra thoughts that friends spare gratuitously,
these unrequired attention that they give,
these trivial things that they do for you,

they're priceless.

twentyone

2005-05-16T00:12:00.000+08:00

Just come back from Hm's birthday celebration, where upon seeing her, we immediately shaked hand and wish one another Happy Birthday.

then she gave me my present.

She's giving me my birthday present! but it's her birthday party im attending!! Im attending her birthday party, but today's my birthday, not hers!! her's yesterday!!

but anyway, what's important is - WE BOTH HAD PRESENTS!! hah!

and the sad fact is, im gonna go stare really hard at my Marketing notes now again. . .

twentyfive

2005-05-15T02:17:00.000+08:00

upon reaching home, i logged onto msn,
then immediately came a message:

L : old man.

me : yah. . . thanks for reminding. . .

felt so honoured to have friends who are so creative in birthday greetings.

anyhow, im grateful enough that i have friends to spend my birthday with,
although it's two days before exams,
although i don't have a big big party going on,
althought i don't have many big big presents,
althought i don't have a big big birthday cake with many candles on it that i can puff off and make a big big wish,

i have two lovely company for dinner, i have mocha ice blended, i have a slice of brandied cherry cake,

and i have this blog to make a wish on:

i wish all loved one - friends, family, and since im such a narcissist, myself as well, ~ MIGHTY HAPPINESS !!

left

2005-05-13T23:06:00.000+08:00

i've been in the same lift with this same girl a couple of times, like this morning when i was going to school.

it just so happens that she always went in before me, so that she's the one pressing the lift button and standing on my left.

the weird thing is, everytime after she pressed the button, she ended up facing me. facing me as in standing body perpendicular to mine. how she end up in that position, i have no idea. maybe she's already in that position when she stepped in.

but i thought usually when you're inside the lift, you face the front one? this girl special, face right side one, and my block's lift quite confined.

naturally, i feel weird, awkard.

so, i look front, i look down, i look up, i look right,
but i don't dare look left.

i don't know where she looking,
i don't know what she looking,
i don't know how she looking.

i only know she's looking to her front.

update :
dorkerme, perhaps i should be less of a wuss and just turn and say Hi.
weird weird la .. . neighbour leh. . .

funny?

2005-05-10T22:15:00.000+08:00

I was procrasfuckinating to no end this afternoon and i sent this picture to someone on my msn, someone someone introduce me via msn itself.

this pic So funny, i said.

funny meh? i don't think so you know. so bad.

Definitely not the sort of response im expecting.

I mean, you don't seriously think littlemrdrinkalot down that can of beer do you? you don't think that infant have the might to hold that can full of beer, take a swig, and yet want somemore of that bitter crap do you? tell me you don't seriously think that the infant is going to take even a few puff of that ciggie. do you?

jeesses . . im cracking up . . must be the exams and all .. .

happyholiday

2005-05-09T14:59:00.000+08:00

The exams is creeping so near its creeping me out.

And because it's the final one, everyone is not only mugging up like crazy, but also hunting for jobs, and planning for graduation trips. it's insane.

There's one going to Europe on an exorbitant 6k budget, one heading for Australia, one heading for Bangkok, Hongkong, Taiwan, Vietnam . . . everyone's going everywhere.

Talking to Ym earlier, who had her holiday planning going nicely as well, i really envy her, not because she's heading for a faraway extravagant holiday, but because she has somesome special to go with.

Because to me it really doesn't matter where you are going,
it doesn't matter how far you are flying to,
it doesn't matter if you're taking the business class flight,
it doesn't matter how lavish your budget is,

What matter is whether you are going to be happy. Really, genuinely happy, which could lies largely with who you are going with,

Only the special someone, someone you can wholeheartedly love, to make and share happiness, happiness that comes from deep within the heart, happiness that you will always remember and cherish.

i want that,
why am i so silly didn't think of that earlier.
alas, i need to buck up.

one

2005-05-08T19:53:00.000+08:00

sometimes, you get on my nerves so much, i simply don't want another word from you. sometimes, you frustrate me so much, i just want to slam the door before you to show my exasperation.

but times after times, usually when you are resting before bed time, i found myself in your room lazing on your bed, blithely talking to you about trivial stuffs and sometimes not talking at all when you're occupied. and every single time when i found myself doing that, i realised i really just want to be in your presence. and every single time, my mind seems to be devoid of the unhappy moments we had before, because they were all overshadowed by the joy of being around you, by my affections for you.

the mere reminiscence of what you had sacrificed for and given me, is enough to drown away all past discontentments.

althought you had not in the past given me what i think would have been better for me, you could not had possibly gave me anything more. and i had over the years learned to be thankful for what is given to me, for what i have, rather than sulking over what i don't.

what i have now, the one most important, the one greatest to me, i will remember - not only for today, but every other day, and rememeber to give unreservedly, to put you before me - like you always do. for as long as i can.

i wish you happy.

dorkerme

2005-05-06T23:40:00.000+08:00

sometimes i really feel like im really stupid, because i have the tendency to do silly things. like how i always screw up the slightest simplest things that i possibly could, say when im supposed to buy kopi-xi for my friend, i came back holding teh-0 in my hand wearing a dumbass grin on my dumbass face, feels like i can't do anything right.

but sometimes it's seems like im pretty clever. like when i can see and understand things that other people can't or not as quick, say when someone tells a high intellect joke, i can get it faster than others.

but then i think most of the time, im in the silly state. so i guess im silly after all.

so how not to be silly??

i got this feeling that committing less sloth might help.

how not to be silly? how?

Happiness is...

2005-05-06T13:55:00.000+08:00

Seeing the people you like happy and smiling because of something you've done for them.

chu

2005-05-05T00:45:00.000+08:00

today i had my last Auditing class. i was especially attentive during the class, perhaps because it's the last revision class and whatever the lecturer had to say is most likely very important when the exams is concern.

my mind did drift away while i was staring into my lecturer's face, the visage i like most among all my lecturers.

my mind drifted to past lectures held by her, Ms Chu. Once when she was wearing the yellow ribbon for the ex-convicts campaign, where she bought fifty of them out of her own pocket and before dismissing the class, told us that we could buy it from her if we were intending to get one.

as i was observing the tiny gold chain on her wrist, my mind drifted to what she used to wear for all her classes, usually a dress with a matching cardigan. and i discerned that her hairstyle had remained somewhat similar over the year, shoulder length, fringe parting above her left eyebrow, falling down and concealing the right portion of her temple at an angle.

she has rather big eyes and when she smiles, exudes this sincere sense of friendliness with this uncanny ability to bridge the gap between us.

when she speaks, it's always in a well controlled tone and everything she said is always relevant, agreeable and pleasant. apart from knowing her stuff well, most importantly, she is a very good, wonderful listener. she nods her head attentively while letting you finish your sentence, and promptly respond with relevant replies.

she is also very thoughtful, as most good listeners are. very understanding and considerate, and she don't misquote or misunderstand you which people always does and can be quite frustrating.

so many virtues that i like and more, im really going to miss Ms Chu.

i had actually thought of writing about another thing earlier today, but today's the last time i got to sit in Ms Chu's class, to see her, listen, and pay attention to her.

im so gonna miss it.

if only i could write better.

scam

2005-05-03T03:19:00.000+08:00

today, T and YK requested for a game of majong.
i said no because i have to study for exams, something that i REALLY need to step on. like with FULL THROTTLE because im so screwed even for attaining a reasonable grade.

then they said, ok, how about dinner then?
i thought a dinner would be harmless, and so, off i went.

i thought wrong.
thing is, over dinner, face to face, the peer pressure strategy can be executed with far greater success rate.

thus moments later, we were at my place.
four of us, two whom really should be studying(me and Mj).

T asked: "Yap, so how's exams preparation?"

me: not good.

T: and i supposed you've been studying a lot lately?

me: physically, yes.

T: *evil grin*

me: laugh what laugh???

T & YK: *more evil grin*

i tilted my head slightly, furrowed my brow and thought for a second, then.. . it finally dawned on me.

HOLY CRAP. . . ! i've been STUDYING all day lately. doesn't matter whether i remembered what i studied, fact is, im at it, a lot!

now,

Sheesh.. .!!
what a timely realization!
to think i even played host to them, serve them drinks and all . .

and for the damn record, me and mj lost,
while the two smug scum smirk over their winnings.

sometimes, you really cannot afford not to be superstitious.
strike 4-D also not so spot on. speaking of which, no more pre-exams 4D, toto, big sweep, majong et al.

my aversion 2,

2005-04-30T23:55:00.000+08:00

(long sloppy ranting)

Self-centeredness

is when you are feeling upset and grouchy, you can be harsh and slash brutal words at your unsuspecting friends who are only, just trying to start a conversation. nevermind that your friends have feelings that can be hurt. and you probably will have no guilty conscience at all. Because what are we? Because you are of more significance,

is when you are always more upset than your friend ; when i tell you that i've just done something stupid and feeling real shitty, your first and immediate reply is a harsh: "well i'm feeling even more shitty than you right now, and if you think you are upset and feeling shitty talking to me, then you can jolly well stop bothering", when i'm clueless that you are feeling down, but all i wanted to do was to tell you how im feeling. Because we don't matter, because you are always more upset, because you are of more significance,

is when midway throught msn conversations, you can suddenly ignore your friends and subsequently log off without a word. you can take as long as you like to reply messges only when you feel like it, but when i'm busy and on "away mode", and it just so happened that you feel like chatting, but i can only manage brief reply, i'm thus being stuck up. and i doubt you are aware of the degree of vexation you caused your friends, because your friends feeling are nothing, because only you are worthy of attention as and when you want it, because you are of more significance,

is when you always complains about anything and everything, because they are not good enough for you, not worthy of you, because you are of more significance,

is where everything not agreeable to you, you are always right, where you go feeding your friends with distorted, one sided story, so that your very friends who upset you are always in the wrong - so that you are always right, because you are finer and deserve better, because you are of more significance.

Self-centeredness

is when you are absurdly selfish and you don't care about other people's well being and feeling when it doesn't concern and benefit you.

you make your world smaller and smaller because it revolves only around yourself,

when in actual fact, the world is so big and individually, we are but a tiny blip in the continuum, and there are milliongazillion greater, more deserving human being out there who had done more, achieved more, who deserve a life more than we do, who had played a greater role in humanity, in this very same place we breathe, who deserve more attention and recognition than we do, who are more worthy, who are more significant.

i pity you for you are bounded in this charade of yours you are perpetually living in, where you are the protagonist, where subtly, you distort reality, you write your own script, how you want it to be, to be in your favour, and you play it out, where you are of the most significance.

my aversion

beseech

2005-04-29T01:31:00.000+08:00

tell me, how do one deal with sloth ?

surge

2005-04-26T00:01:00.000+08:00

A friend once told me i must never discard my military uniform, becasuse i won't know when i might need them.

Apparently, this friend of mine is not aware of such thing as reservist or recall manning, or matter of such triviality is too inconsequential in the point she is making, she desert them altogether.

The point which is similar to saying that some guys find nurses a turn on. Or rather, the outfit.

Today, i was on the Lrt on my way to school when a sweet, demure looking girl caught my attention. The moment my eyes landed on her, a mild surge of testosterone runs through my body. She is NOT clad in the nurse uniform, but her delicate skin beneath smooth, white, neat uniform, the resemblance is undeniable.

she is unmistakably, on her way to work.

she is unmistakably, working at the chain of outlets that all Sillyporeans and not only Sillyporeans had set foot into by now.

she is working at Breadtalk! and she is wearing Breadtalk's greatest glory, the Breadtalk Uniform!!

with uniforms (something)like that, what are patrons drooling over!?

nowadays, selling bread also requires special criteria to meet. speaking of which, i suspect i will ~~talkbread~~ eat bread a lot in the week to come.

issit?

2005-04-23T20:44:00.000+08:00

is it really so hard to be doing what i know i should do?

is it really so hard to not do what i know i shouldn't be doing?

like PROCRASFUCKINATING!?!? the whole goddamn day?!

is it?

HELL NO!!!!!

balance

2005-04-21T21:22:00.000+08:00

My exams is 3weeks away, and I’m NOT getting enough blog-guilt. I need more blog-guilt!
I need to READ LESS BLOGS and MORE NOTES! LOTS MORE!!

Depicted in the graph below is the inverse relationship between blog-guilt and study-guilt.

Blog-guilt “vs” Study-guilt

Two main assumptions to the model are:
1. I do nothing but study and read blogs all day.
2. Time is a scarce constraint.

As it would seems obvious by now, im at pt A: blog-guilt very low, study-guilt OVER THE ROOF, which is definitely not good, as my exams are 3 WEEKS AWAY DAMMIT!!

As such, in the short-run, my objective is to move north-west up the blue line, hour by hour, day by day, for the next 3 weeks, to pt C. By then, the time constraint would be so overwhelming, the model will not hold for the subsequent 2 weeks when i write my exams. Finger crossed.

And of course, pt C is not where you want to be under normal circumstances, because blogs withdrawal sympton would prove counter productive.

This is where the utility curve(economics gibberish) at pt B comes in. In general, we would want to be at pt B; the utility maximising point. That is, the point where one would derive the most satisfaction out of the optimal mix of blog-guilt and study-guilt/work-guilt. Thus, in the long run, my objective is to find that optimal mix and sit happily at pt B.

But of course, in the real world, we will have to relax assumption 1. we have our life outside blogs and work. Thus everyone has a unique utility curve and different combination of optimal mix of more than the two stated variables. A lot more indeed. Which makes things extremely complicated. As such pt B is very difficult and complex to determine. Where is my pt B?!?!

Heck! need to get offline, and get to pt C first.

fat dream

2005-04-19T23:18:00.000+08:00

i like bus ride. Sounds like a waste of time, but yes, i do.
because i don't have to be particularly doing something as im already on a bus ride when im on a bus ride.

i can read a book and get queasy.

i can sms and get slightly queasy.

i can close my eyes and listen to the sound of the air-con and the engine, feel the the slight vibration of the seat, free my mind from thoughts and doze off.

i can listen to my mp3 player and set my mind adrift.

it's usually the latter, and today on my way to school for revision, it is. I was listening to The Ataris version of Boys of Summer and i was enjoying and feeling the song so much, my palm was discreetly tucked in to my side, holding an imaginary guitar pick between my thumb and forefinger, struming.

i was playing the air guitar.
i was making in my mind how i would play it on my guitar, and how much backside my acoustic version of the song would kick. It does not stop there. im even taken to a scenario where im performing it to an audience where i took everybody's breath away. and it STILL doesn't stop at that. i was called for encore, and to appease the rabid audience, i played my version of Counting Blue Cars as well.

but reality had to set in after all.
I CANNOT SING WELL.
im passable at the guitar yes, but i cannot PLAY THE GUITAR AND SING AT THE SAME TIME DAMMIT !

Argh!!! i swear by my aching fingertips i'll practise until can!!
singing must figure somehow. . . .

void 2

2005-04-18T23:55:00.000+08:00

my mind is in a blank.
im listening to Run by Snow Patrol , a melancholic tune.

i was also listening to it while studying at the school library earlier today, when i wasn't alone.

but now i am.

i feel like talking to someone.
but my mind is in a blank now; i have nothing to say to anyone.

maybe i just want to be with someone.

someone . ..

LMD

2005-04-17T14:43:00.000+08:00

after reading her blog for quite sometime now,
this is my StorTrooper impression of littlemissdrinkalot.

first

2005-04-17T01:40:00.000+08:00

i came back from school earlier today, logged on to msn, saw B online and messaged her:

me: hey, i think i saw you in school today.

B: oh is it? why didn't you call me?

me: because i was one storey beneath you when i saw you.i came out of the library and saw you above, outside the foodcourt, smoking.

B: yah, that's me alright, i had just had lunch with friends ah.

blah blah blah . .. blah blah blah . .

the few conversations we had on msn never lasted very long.
she added me to her msn after i gave her my email address when i bumped into her in school about 2months ago. we didn't know we were studying in the same school until then, and she probably didn't care if we do.

she didn't know, i know she smokes until just now, because i don't, not until this afternoon.not that it's of the slightest issue to any of us at all, but after so many years of not knowing what each other are doing with our respective lifes, that might had given a. . .. delicate glimpse of hers.

i came to know her more than 10 years ago, back in secondary schools,
but we had no contacts whatsoever for like the past ten years.

although we had lived seperate lives for the period, and was not reminded of one another at all,

I WILL NEVER FORGET HER. EVER.

because images of her was etched into countless lobes of my brain back then, because she is the first girl i ever liked, at a time when i was even more chicken shit than i am now.

she probably knew i liked her back then. that was back then, but time is such that it will wash away almost anything, and 10 years' a very long time. seeing her again is not much more than seeing any other long lost pals, but perhaps just that tad bit more evocative.

she did told me that she is unattached at the moment, i didn't tell her neither am i. never had been.

accounting

2005-04-13T23:07:00.000+08:00

I had my Management Accounting revision class for the whole of today, nine to five, divided into four sessions with lunch after session2. Now, the first session was ok, I was able to keep up and concentrate fairly well.

When session 2 kicks in, it’s starts to get boring. The monotonous muttering of the London lecturer was starting to fade out, but what really faded out was my concentration. Fortunately, lunch time came.

Session 3.
You know how it’s like, attending lecture after lunch, when your blood seems to flow south, and only south. When you felt the morning lecture had drained your brain vacuous, and without blood up north, your mind has a mind of it’s own. You lost control of it, and when you do, you literally lost every shred of self awareness and consciousness.

At a particular point of time, I was going through the motion of scribbling onto my piece of foolscap paper what the lecturer was flashing on screen. Totally spaced out, my brain was hijacked, by it’s mind. I had no idea what my fingers was scribbling, except that it’s the answer to the seemingly endless calculation question - the PRICE.

My consciousness snaps back, maybe because the question had gloriously ended, or maybe because my vision had captured something not quite right - at the end of the answer, i had scribbled what was supposed to read :

Price - $62,300

But somehow, perhaps a brain signal had taken a wrong turn in my nervous system earlier, or my brain’s mind had suddenly decided to get cranky,
I HAD WRITTEN A “K” for the “E”!!!

PRICK - $62,300. ~~(comes with complimentary menberries)~~

My Management Accounting paper is approximately 1 month away. I seriously, seriously hope it won't happen again.

Imagine the marker gets a PRICK after all the thousands of Price. So refreshing that is, i might even be awarded bonus marks.

trance

2005-04-12T12:26:00.000+08:00

last night at exactly 00:32, i received a sms from "888888"
>>yo . . wat ya doin now? revisin? Yinn + Ms

basking in Diana Krall's exquisite music, semiconscious, dozy, and half-adrift in dreamland, i can imagine both of them chatting on msn, plotting a teasing scheme. i can discern the sms is sent by Ms. it's the vocabulary and typo.

resisting the weight of my drooping eyelid, i replied:
>>nope. im lying in bed since quite some time ago. almost asleep lei.

immediately came:
>>we were thinkin of more treats frm u. . but we need to ask our boss - yap!

you know how it's like when your mind has almost completely ceased functioning, and you don't really know what exactly you are texting, but you're texting anyway, sort of like in a trance, and everything seems surreal,

i think i keyed something like:
>>oh really? i think im dreaming. whatever, ok!!
and i sent it to Yinn.

then this came in:
Ms: yap my hamster went blind liao lei. so poor thing oh. the 2 eyes swollen till cant close lei.ooo

i returned:
>>~~yah, i very much want to close my eyes, cannot also~~ Gosh. . poor thing, poor blind mice. it has my blessing.

coming back,
Yinn replied, with her brand of distinctive banter:
>>cant slp ah? imagine a ger huggin u tightly?

i smiled groggily:
>>and this lucid dream is very sweet indeed. pretty angelic girl hugging me to sleep and all. . .

at the same time, Yinn sent:
>>oh.. bet ya dreaming le. . k. . i dun disturb nappie yappie. .gdnite.. no need to reply le. .

and then this, in reply to my previous sms:
>>wah lau! i cant slp lei.. i burst into laughter when i see tis! u must be half asleep to say these words out man! haha..nite!! dun reply le!!!!!!

my fingers with minds of their own at this point of time keyed anyway:
>>and the angelic figure in the dream is telling me to stop dreaming. ok, i comply. nighty night.

and i greeted Ms mighty nighty night as well.

unmanliness

2005-04-10T20:29:00.000+08:00

because im a pathetic student whose going to flunk my exams, i had no money to go catch Diana Krall in concert. so im listening to it's pirated mp3 instead, all night long, even this very instant.

earlier this week, i had another lift in J's Honda Jazz, for the third time it is, in as many time as we sort of arranged to go out. the usual three of us had a long hearty dinner.

before realising my utter unmanliness, i had allowed her to chauffeur me 3 times, and it just so happen that i had to help myself to the yummies she bought for us to share at dinner. again! i only paid for the drinks. How cheapskate of me, but the plate of goodies is already on the table before I even know it would be.

And owing to my extreme passiveness,
i haven't had her contact number!

Sometimes I really doubt the veritableness of my gender.
Sometimes I think I'd like the woman to be ~~on top~~ in command of things
More on that another time.

p.s. yesterday is my blog's first birthday, and i'm still not sure what my blog is about.

happy

2005-04-02T00:42:00.000+08:00

of the couple of special friends who read my blog, one recently asked me : yap, why don't you write happy blogs?? i said ok, i'll try.

but what exactly is a happy blog?? is it :

a blog entry that makes the reader laugh out loud, like funny blogs? or
simply one that makes the reader smile? or
one depicting situations of how happy the blogger is? or
one depicting situations of how happy the blogger is that makes the reader smile or laugh?

i guess perhaps they all qualify to a certain extend, except maybe for the second last one.

i'll try.

that leads me to define happy. is it :

a state of mind when you are enjoying what you are doing, or
when you know that the ones whom you really care about, care about you, or
when you are feeling utterly satisfied, or
when you are hysterically high becasue of the alcohol flowing in your veins, or simply,
when you are smilling, laughing and all.

i guess perhaps they all qualify to a certain extend except maybe for the bottom two.

i'll try.

in fact, i very much wanted to write happy blogs, genuine happy blogs, as that would probably suggest that im indeed happy in some point of time.
but there are limiting factors, a host of them. i would not go into them now.

lies

2005-03-28T13:45:00.000+08:00

There are 3 categories of them which I’ve encountered recently.

First of all, it’s the blatant lies, often after material self-interest. i.e. money. These liars are usually either extremely desperate or extremely thick. Or both. They have absolutely no idea what’s good for themselves.

The second type of liars are more sophisticated, and the motives for lying are often not as palpable. They will try to convince themselves to some extend, that the lie they are going to tell - often a faux belief, is not false.

After which, while they are at it, it would appears to themselves that they are not lying, because they deceptively believed it’s the truth, and they are merely conveying that “truth”, albeit at a dark corner of their mind, the worms slither.

The reason for doing so, I believe, is to find solace for their wretched conscience, to cover up for the shit they had done that they don’t want you to know, and to make it seems like they are not an obnoxious twerp, to themselves and friends.

Lastly, it’s the lie that you, me and everyone else make.
We are all liars, we just don’t know it. We lie to ourselves, often with no apparent motives. It’s therefore a good idea to engage in a little musing once in a while, might leads to an epiphany, and surface them elusive delusion. Like when :

a blogger first started a blog, he might “lie” to himself : I don’t want lots of people here, this is really just an online diary where I can do more with, say, post pictures, or let a few peeps from friends.” However, post blogroll meltdown and considerable reflecting to self eventually gave him a firmer grasp of “what his blog is really about”.

He realized that at the back of his head, he wants more readers, readers whom he don’t know, but care to listen.

You might say whats the big deal in it. But the fact is we all want to know why we do what we do, else why do it, and so we need bearings. Lies ain’t gonna help.

Jz

2005-03-20T17:47:00.000+08:00

went out with Mj and Jz last night.

Jz translated into chinese, sounds almost like my chinese name.
Jz owns a Honda Jazz.
Jz doesn't like to eat sweet stuff. chocolate not spared.
Jz lives within walking distant from my place.
Jz is not a very pretty girl, but a pretty nice girl.

got belief ?

2005-03-18T16:00:00.000+08:00

i have lots of mnemonic memoirs that i have no time to chronicle because i need to study, for which i'm lagging behind further by the seconds and im probably making such long statement under the influence of Adrianna, in which the url in the link is typed out of my abysmal memory.

i made this post because i had just read something that i had told myself before and it should have sinked into my mind but had receded almost completely instead, which is :

have to believe in oneself. if you don’t believe in yourself, how can you project that confidence. oh, and also must think positive, and not believe that everyone is against you. learn to look forward. but all these easily said than done.
~Mandrake

my aversion

2005-03-16T00:11:00.000+08:00

I know it’s normal for us to say things that’s contrary to what we really felt and think. I did that before, didn’t really meant to and haven’t done so for ages.

But when one does it all too often, almost all the time,
to justify one's actions and doings,
or to show that you are not "what you don’t want others to perceive you to be",
and it gets so blatant, and ridiculous,
which all the more makes it seems like you are,

it makes me really sick.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

updated 17th march

void

2005-03-07T20:44:00.000+08:00

it's in me
sucks me in relentlessly and
drains my mind of sanity

with what that’s left
pulling me apart
from the ones pulled forth

until she comes by
with what it takes
and seal this void
set me free

mnemonic blogstop

release

2005-03-04T16:18:00.000+08:00

Many thoughts lingered in my mind recently.

This mnemonic memoir of mine exist for perhaps too many reasons, for which, interests conflict. Almost as much as i don't understand myself, i don't understand why i do what i do, save others around me, and it's very unsettling.

Alas. So many things i wanna shout out to nobody, and i'm reserved.

And i chance upon this. Release. It's a relieve, and it's so beautiful i read it over a couple of times.

prudential

2005-02-28T00:05:00.000+08:00

They asked of us to voice our dreams.
Many have no idea.
Then i realised mine is not rockstar anymore(how silly of me then).
Right now, it's something simple, or rather, sounds simple, but not at all.
I just wanna :

have a meaningful and happy life.

***

Had a nice time chilling and chatting with A at Mhotel, from no rain till the rain stopped.

am i the only one?

2005-02-23T11:08:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, i get sick of people around me, for reasons somewhat tacit.
Then i remember that i'm not much different,
not much of a better person than a lot of them.
I take them in stride, but am i taken for granted?

***

The muddy-mudpie i had last night is so bad and evil,
i bet Lucifer is among us within tcc.
Must indulge again.

screw

2005-02-20T18:27:00.000+08:00

Of late,

Questions the like of "why are you still single?", keep hitting me.
Last night, it's "so are you wooing anyone now?"
Couple of nights before that, it's something like "do you think it would help a little if you are less choosy?"
Even prior to that, there's "so what kind of girl do you like?"

Having arduously sailed through these barrage of inquisitions,
certain contemplations went through my mind.
Well, i'm not young anymore,
so,

SCREW IT ALL!!

I'm just gonna study study study read study study guitar study study read study study study study tennis study study guitar study study read study study study study blog study study study study guitar study study study read study study. .

If anything can't wait,
it's the final year exam sneaking round the corner.

give me a break

2005-02-14T20:29:00.000+08:00

Apparently, the library is not good enough a refuge.

Brutal wishes and greetings deluging every single station on the air waves, pounding mercilessly on my ear drums, i almost swallowed my receiver.

Even acquaintances aren't letting me off, firing vicious smses at me.
NO!! I do no have a date tonight! If i have one, it's my mum, and we will be having pork jerky and nothing else.
I'm not going to swallow my handphone, so
QUIT BITCHING!!!

Now that feels better. . .

update, 16th feb :
mnemonic blog stop

Today,

2005-02-14T03:22:00.000+08:00

The CNY break is over,
everybody's back to work,
everybody's busy,
everybody's happy,
everybody has somebody.

Today,
i'm still in no mood for studies,
and that's what i'm gonna do in the school library,
where i can concentrate at it, distracting myself.

CNY day2

2005-02-11T02:00:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, i had my yearly routine Cny visits to my grandmas' place, both of them. Today i had the not so routine at JB - Kulai. That's about 30hrs of relatives meeting, receiving cold hard cash slotted between red papers.

Right now, i'm back from dinner/supper with Ms and j from town. For the 2hrs or so, i had more joy than that 30hrs. What is wrong with me?

My craving for sushi was not appeased notwithstanding. All the sushi restaurants in town are closed or closing as if i'm the salmon plague. We end up at Mr Bean with the blithesome waitress, throwing me perplexing glances, articulating expressions and smiles.

And the charade goes on.
God bless.

rockWannabe

2005-02-04T13:01:00.000+08:00

for whom stopping by,
i hope you smile,
or at least perk up a bit, even for a brief while.

a day's worth of laugh
~idleThinK

Phin's & shop, Ms,Yin, 31th Jan 05

2005-02-02T18:52:00.000+08:00

Today, i find white-based shirt boring.
Thus the new member in my wardrobe, outstanding, unrestrained and exuberant. Pinkish-purple now drapes on a bar affixed to my wall, whatever you call that. Mum had it fixed for me the other day. It's really nice, though i would never be bothered with such ideas and chores. Our mind seems to operate in two different planes, and they seldom intercept.

I should stop rambling.

Tennis again in 2days, i'm quivering with enthusiasm.

beautiful soul

2005-01-30T01:05:00.000+08:00

i'm desperate for love
desperate for happiness
desperate for friends
desperate for time
desperate for money
DESPERATE for a beautiful soul

gardenerWannabe

2005-01-29T01:25:00.000+08:00

Now whose desperate?

I am! for Desperate Housewives.
Can't wait for monday to come.

Come to think of it,
everybody's desperate. One way or another.

what i want

2005-01-27T14:46:00.000+08:00

The clock is ticking, time is sifting through my fingers surreptitiously.
Approaching the final milestone of my academic years,
what i want, so clear and compelling,
yet my mind so feeble, choosing to disregard that’s imperative.

What i don't want,
the part of me that had yet to let go utterly,
that is evading reasons,
that is thankfully, waning day by day.
I'm not one to lose myself in paltry faith, not now that the can of worms are opened.
A resolute self affirmation shall cut the air to the ember.

An objective mentality shall guide me along,
An unwavering determination shall get me through, to the bright lights on the other side.

Update 5th feb 05 :

9 days into the post, repulsed,
seems like my mind is already rid of what i ought to.

ponder

2005-01-24T19:31:00.000+08:00

Earlier today, i sort of threw a question indirectly at myself, one that i cannnot answer. Pretty abashing.

ms : i give D a lot of freedom one, can say we bo chup each other one.

me : oh, that's gracious of you. Then does D shows that he appreciate you giving him the freedom?

ms : what do you mean by appreciate?

me : er . . i don't know . . . he could do something , anything that shows he's very conscious of your grace , and that he appreciates it.

ms : what do you mean by appreciate?

me : er . .. . uhm .. . duh . ..

me : omg! i don't know. let me think about it and i'll tell ya when i get it ok .. hur hur .. . *grinning widely*

Not bad Wannabe, now you just have to think.

What do you do to show appreciation, if your girlfriend's been giving you generous amount of space?

AND....

PIC OF THE MOMENT!

all the way Maria!!
The Australian Open's yours!

A story about a girl

2005-01-22T18:44:00.000+08:00

I'm obsessed with this song lately.

Are you looking for something
I promise you one thing
I promise i'll always be there
With all my faith
And all my heart
And all those simple things you are

~ Our Lady Peace

Simple lyrics, yet nice and meaningful.

Anyway,
the dilemma we casted upon yk not too long ago had lift the curse off him, a curse of loneliness and emptiness.

Now that he will be much more delighted when the next romantic comedy hits the screen.
He can feel the warmth of someone else's hand while soaking in the the most beautiful and affectionate songs at Wala.
He will have someone to cuddle when happiness is flushing inside him, or at least someone special to share with.
He will be elated with the coming month, when i will be crunching alphabets as the mock exam approaches in 5weeks. Convenient distraction.

gibberish

2005-01-19T18:00:00.000+08:00

Don't always agree with her , but this epitomizes some points that make my mind sick and it feels aggreeable and somewhat righteous to read it like that.

Excerpt :

She(Fiona Xie) also writes about her connection with God. While I have nothing against people with faith, I do find it a little stretched to make a decision, decide you don't actually know why you made that choice because you shouldn't have, whine about it, regret it, and later decide to be happy because she realised it was God who made the decision for her and of course, God knows best.

~Xiaxue

***

Some people are so overly sanctimonious and blindly pious,
and their endless ridiculous rambling irks so much.

Waking Life

2005-01-17T21:10:00.000+08:00

They say that dreams are real only as long as they last. Couldn't you say the same thing about life?

***

I'll notice, the next time i had a lucid dream.

the sounds of colour

2005-01-16T16:39:00.000+08:00

The Esplanade Theatre, 15th Jan

the Lounge

2005-01-08T01:42:00.000+08:00

I was studying with ms in the student lounge earlier today.
It's was a really conducive environment,
by the ceiling high windows, providing a relaxing view of the outside.
And i dig being shrouded in my cosy sweater in the wicked air-condition.

Then my disconsolate double took liberty to impose itself again.
Being utterly unprepared for the forthcoming exam is one thing,
it being the last one really unnerve me. It represents a turning point.

After this couple of months,
i probably will never have this luxury again,
of studying school work under such splendid and delightful conditions, alongside companion i fervently appreciate and like.

It would qualify with ease if in time
one inquires about my fondest memories in SIM.